My Personal Journey

 

In the Beginning: 

I have always struggled with some form of mental illness throughout the majority of my life. In 2019, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). This was the very beginning of my long journey. Over the last few years, however, it got to be unbearable. It came to a point where it started to affect my ability to work and spend time with family and friends. Finally, at the very beginning of January this year, I made a difficult decision. I voluntarily admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital for treatment. During these three days, I learned new coping skills to help combat my panic attacks (grounding techniques) and negative thoughts (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). During this period I was also closely evaluated by a psychiatrist. I explained to him how I had tried every SSRI known to man, yet none of them seemed to benefit me. If anything I found them to be an even bigger detriment to my already unstable mental state. Every time I was prescribed one of these antidepressants, it would lead to feeling numb or apathetic. Some even refer to this state as the "zombie effect". He ended up putting me on Wellbutrin since it was usually prescribed for those with MDD who failed other classes of antidepressants, such as SSRIs. Within a few days, it felt as if the world had been given a new coat of paint. It felt incredible to feel happiness again after suffering for so many years. I felt like things were finally starting to look up for me! I immediately set myself up with a psychiatrist and therapist to help with my outpatient care. Everything was good in the beginning. Until things started to fall out of balance again. My therapist had made me aware at our last session that she would no longer see me. As she was not accepting my insurance anymore. A few weeks later I found that I was starting to have increased anxiety attacks again and always felt on edge. I voiced my concerns about this to my psychiatrist, who ultimately thought it would be a good idea to take me off the Wellbutrin completely. I tried advocating for myself and explained that maybe adding on an anxiety medication with Wellbutrin would help balance everything out. However, she was not open to that idea for reasons I am still unsure of. Instead, she decided to put me on Zoloft. As some of you may know, that medication is an SSRI. She was aware of my past with this class of drugs and still decided it would be worth a shot. So I followed her advice thinking that maybe this one would be different from the others. Man was I wrong! After being on this drug for a week I started to have severe SI thoughts. I made her aware and her advice was to go to the ED and that she wouldn't have an available appointment to discuss this issue for another WEEK AND A HALF! I knew I couldn't wait that long, so I ended up going off the medication and seeing a nurse practitioner (NP). She ultimately agreed with me that I should have stayed on Wellbutrin. Adding that an anxiolytic drug would be beneficial to balance everything out. I felt like I was finally being heard and that somebody actually took the time to help me figure things out! I ended up finding a new therapist who has been helping immensely with everything going on in my life. It's been a few weeks now and I still feel really good! The moral of the story is that you're always going to have speed bumps during recovery. However, it's also an important factor that you advocate for yourself and do what you know is best for YOU! Most of all, don't give up! The journey may be rough sometimes, but in the end, you'll find it was worth it.